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Wednesday, August 10, 2005Medicine ManWell, lucky for you, an ancient Indian medicine man saw your unfortunate lightning accident. As you open your eyes for maybe the last time, you see the worn, wise face of the Indian hovering over you. He waves a hawk feather over your head and tosses some sort of dust over your body. That's the last thing you see before darkness overtakes you.When you finally wake, you're in a dark chamber, not really sure what it is or where you are. You don't feel too bad considering you were just nailed with a bolt of pure energy that could've vaporized an elephant. The air smells strange around you, reminding you of the odd chemical smells that infilitrate your nostrils back in the city. Moments later your medicine man rescuer emerges from the shadows and offers you a thick, foul-smelling potion. He motions for you to drink it. Despite your better instincts, you trust the man and drink the potion down in one gulp. It feels like your tongue is trying to revolt and rip itself free from your throat. The steaming liquid burns its way down into your gut where you practically feel it splash into your stomach. The kind medicine man helps you to your feet and outside the dark tent into the hot desert twilight. He gets on his horse and pulls you up with him. Then he sets out down a thin trail, set into the hard packed dirt and brush. Hours later you are back to some sort of civilization. He drops you off at a gas station and rides off into the swirling sand. Days later you find your way back to the city, only to discover upon your return that your skin is turning yellow. You wake up the following day to intense pain in your abdomen and the urge to throw up. You make a doctors appointment to check out this new condition. After seeing your trusted family physician, he tells you sadly that you have an advanced stage of liver failure. He asks if you've eaten or drank anything unusual recently. You think back to the horrible elixir the Indian gave you. You tell the doctor about it and he shudders. He consults his PDR and informs you that you've taken a strong dose of the "Death Cap" mushroom. It's a very toxic mushroom that usually results in liver and kidney failure followed by death within a week. He says that either the medicine man didn't know what he was doing or he poisoned you on purpose. Either way, you've got about a week to live, or you may make a miraculous recovery...it's hard to tell. (LeftoverJoe :: Medicine Man) Wednesday, July 20, 2005Singing in the RainThose bees weren't the end of you. Luckily you had an EpiPen in you pocket. As you fell to the ground in pain the needle pierced you and filled you with anti-inflammatories calming your reaction.After a brief stint in the hospital, you decided to go on a well deserved vacation. You've always dreamed of a roaming the desert in the American southwest. You want to see the beautiful dunes, the petrified forest and the poker tables. The desert is a beautiful sight; the sand and the black sky juxtaposed create a wonderful scene... wait black sky? There are no storm clouds in the desert? Oh, no! The thunder begins to rumble as the clouds roll overhead. Suddenly you feel a surge in your body. The pain is intense. You feel like your insides are boiling. You've been hit by lightning. The bolt is over 50,000 degrees (four times hotter then the sun) and carried over 300 million volts of electricity. There is a sizzling sound; the rain has begun to fall. (joe :: Singing in the Rain) Thursday, July 07, 2005Buzz BuzzLuckily that Botox inncident wasn't the end of you. Your one sober friend has fast reflexes and the hospital had pleanty of machines to keep you alive... for now. After all of that you need a vacation. How about a weekend in Texas?The hot sun beats down on your neck. You know your are burned, but you feel so happy to be alive that you can't get out of the sun. There's a strange rock formation up ahead andbeing the adventurous type, there is an overwhelming urge to investigate. As you approach you hear a slight buzz, but that's not enought to stop you. There's an opening and you peer inside. Suddenly, you're surrounded by bees. They look bigger then most bees you're used to. They're African Killer Bees. The vibration of you walking on the ground was enought to get them ready to attack. They cover your bare face, arms and legs. Then you feel the first sting. It sets off a chain reaction; all of the bees sting together. Thousands of stingers pierce your flesh and you fall in down in pain, and the bees just keep on stinging. I guess it proves all of those t-shirts right: Don't Mess with Texas... Bees. (joe :: Buzz Buzz) Thursday, June 30, 2005A Bad ShooterThat Botox Party sounded like a great idea at the time. To bad your friends are cheap and hired a bad shooter.As he went to grab another Manhattan, the needle just slipped out of the shooter's hands and plunged deep into your neck. You tried to stop the needle with your hand, but you had a few too many flirtinis. The only thing you succeeded in doing was driving the plunger down on the needle injecting the toxin deep into your throat. The botulinum toxin A, a close relative of botulism, seeps into your system. Your throat numbs and you begin sufficate. As your eyes close and the world fades to black, you dream about your days removing asbestos. (joe :: A Bad Shooter) Monday, June 20, 2005MesotheliomaAll that asbestos has to come out of walls sooner or later. Why not make a career out of removing it professionally?That mask is itchy. Loosening it won't hurt you... or will it. You breath in the asbestos fibers. They tiny sharp fiber tear at your lungs causing massive scaring. The fibrosis can lead to cancer. But how long does it take to effect you. After exposure to the deadly fiber, it can be as long as 20, 30 or even 40 years before you begin to notice something's wrong, but by then it is too late. Once you have it, you'll be lucky to live another 2 years. The good news comes for your family. You better get yourself a personal injury lawyer. If you have mesothelioma, your family (and your lawyer) will get a lot of cash. But you've got two more years, plenty of time for another career. (joe :: Mesothelioma) The Black LungHey there, Mr. Miner. Do you have some shortness of breath? Is it getting worse?I bet you regret working in the coal mine now. The years of coal dust building up in your lungs, slowly making it more difficult to breath. The dust begins scaring the tissue of your lungs. Fibrosis sets in. Spot appear on your lungs. You've got coal workers' pneumoconiosis. But you can't give up the mines. Over time the condition worsens. The right half of your heart begins to enlarge. It's called cor pulmonale; it can cause heart failure. But maybe you were lucky and/or smart and left the mine. You could still lead a normal life. But maybe it's too late, there could be massive scaring leading to your premature death. Too bad your next profession is removing asbestos. (joe :: The Black Lung) |
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